Serious

'How do you think your writing style is like?"
'What do you mean?'
'As in, do you write happy things or emo stuff more?"
'Oh, I never write emo stuff! It's all happy and all'


I think I need to correct myself. I almost never write happy things anymore. Happy, meaning like how I used to write. I was more adventurous with my vocabulary and you can really sense what kind of person I used to be like. I was bubbly, dare I say it. My posts were all light, very much unlike my recent entries. Even when my post IS about something I love, the seriousness is there. A tinge of it, if not a lot. I like to think getting serious is a one of the pros of growing up. People tend to trust you more when you're not bouncing around with your witty remarks. People can rely on you more, I think? I like being relied on on certain things. I can't help but think I'm important in some ways. Having the impression that you're quite as important gives me a boost in confidence. Like a major boost.


Problem is... I'm not getting it. My confidence, very much like dust, gets swept away easily. A hurtful remark, an example. Or when I don't do well. I like to think I'm persistent, but I dont believe that anymore. Times like this, I just cannot trust myself, trust that I've gotten so far. Everything's so fucking confusing. Can I do it, or...can i not?

insecurities;

via tumblr.com

Few days ago, I'd been pitted with self-doubts and self-consciousness. There are days like that aren't there? For each and everyone of us. Days when you feel small and inferior. Days when you wish you were someone else- some one prettier, smarter, someone witty and confident. You question your self-worth and insecurities warp you in like a blackhole in the universe. During days like that, everyone else is better than you and oh, how you just wish things were different. You wish you were better.


During days like that, depression sets in. Everything seems to be on the down side of the scale. You feel fat and frumpy. In class, you feel pathetic because you can't do the exercises given by your teachers when everyone else seemed to breeze through the whole thing. You'd obviously worked harder than people but you don't see the results you wanted. You think life's unfair. From there, you lose your usual bounce of enthusiasm and life. You're upset. You never told anyone why though. Your mood swings now more rapid, you snap at your friends more often because you think they don't understand. Then, you got guilt-ridden. You wish to take back what you said.Things never go back though. You can't undone it. So you try to make it up by putting a mask.


But, in your heart, you sincerely think no one understands. You don't want to feel vulnerable and weak either. Besides, if you did reveal your insecurities, most people would just shrug and tell you "Shit happens". So, really, what's the point of telling anyone? Also, you know all this feelings are stupid. Deep down, you know you can't be all that pathetic, can you? But you choose to not listen to the small voice in your head. You feel sorry for yourself.


Then you snap out of it after a few days. It took you awhile but you're relieved that you're no longer shackled by self-criticism. Not entirely free from the monster in you, of course. It's lurking around the corner. You feel it would rear its ugly head soon, but till then....all is well.

  
  

how true:

back in time;

tumblr.com

These few days had been warm. Not weather-wise of course (until today, the previous days had been insanely hot. Pointing out that the weather is warm is a total understatement.) Emotionally-wise, rather. You know? The warm fuzzy feeling you get when you gather around with all your friends and talk about the good ol' days where everyone did something embarrassing and silly. Nothing ever goes forgotten. Memories stick.


We had a great dinner with my lovelies @ T.G.I.F. two days back. Many people were there; old mateys from high school. Feng was gonna leave soon (left today), and we thought why not have dinner together before he leaves right? For good times sake. and so we gathered. and we talked. Really talked about the times in sec. school and all the memories came blasting back. It was so funny, the ridiculous things we wished we didn't do but did anyway. Jokes were shared and exchanged; laughter never ceased around the table. Victor was an absolute joker lol. so was Jov. and Feng. and Sim. and omg, so many others la. We should do this more often.


Actually it wasn't just at TGIF. I had dinner with some of the bunch just now, and again it was all the talk about our days in SMSO. The teachers! Always the teachers. I miss some of them. I learnt once: "Life's most valuable lessons are taught by the worst teachers." I don't think that rings true all the time...but of course it has some truth in it. If you and I were ever classmates before, you would know who were the "worst teachers". Haha. Well, "worst" not as in the kind of teachers that suck in teaching. Rather, it refers to those that are terrific in their teachings, but had, in between, left us with quite...painful memories. Ah. Those are the teachers we never fail to bring up during one of the "Good ol' Days" babble session.


I wouldn't mind to travel back in time sometimes. To visit the memories. :) It had been five years, all of us together.

 

030711

I just don't know what to say most of the time. Right now...it's not like suddenly inspiration hit me right in my face. No. It's just that I have nothing better to do. It's either this or stare at the guys play their dota or whatever. I think I choose the former cuz I don't understand the alien language theyre using. All the short terms they're using is just out of the world. It's quite amusing tho. Seeing the guys shout at each other. 'fuck you' is sth you hear every nano second. Lol.


I was,2 seconds ago, contemplating whether or not i should turn in. But then yongke says he feels like eating later and my eyes brightened! Forget about sleeping poof. I miss eating roti canai, roti telur too! Although there are 'mamak' stalls in almost every corner you turn, I just never got around to eating them. Guess its cuz of the smell wafting in the air. I especially hate it after I showered. The smell just had to cling to your body, and that smell will stick to your bed. Today, I give it an exception. Smell or not. Cuz it's not my mattress!! Hahahah

Zi ming won't know I said that cuz he never reads my blog! Haha! Okay la just kidding.but i sincerely doubt he'll mind. He's such a sweet boy ;)))

Xx