insecurities;

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Few days ago, I'd been pitted with self-doubts and self-consciousness. There are days like that aren't there? For each and everyone of us. Days when you feel small and inferior. Days when you wish you were someone else- some one prettier, smarter, someone witty and confident. You question your self-worth and insecurities warp you in like a blackhole in the universe. During days like that, everyone else is better than you and oh, how you just wish things were different. You wish you were better.


During days like that, depression sets in. Everything seems to be on the down side of the scale. You feel fat and frumpy. In class, you feel pathetic because you can't do the exercises given by your teachers when everyone else seemed to breeze through the whole thing. You'd obviously worked harder than people but you don't see the results you wanted. You think life's unfair. From there, you lose your usual bounce of enthusiasm and life. You're upset. You never told anyone why though. Your mood swings now more rapid, you snap at your friends more often because you think they don't understand. Then, you got guilt-ridden. You wish to take back what you said.Things never go back though. You can't undone it. So you try to make it up by putting a mask.


But, in your heart, you sincerely think no one understands. You don't want to feel vulnerable and weak either. Besides, if you did reveal your insecurities, most people would just shrug and tell you "Shit happens". So, really, what's the point of telling anyone? Also, you know all this feelings are stupid. Deep down, you know you can't be all that pathetic, can you? But you choose to not listen to the small voice in your head. You feel sorry for yourself.


Then you snap out of it after a few days. It took you awhile but you're relieved that you're no longer shackled by self-criticism. Not entirely free from the monster in you, of course. It's lurking around the corner. You feel it would rear its ugly head soon, but till then....all is well.